Coming out to your folks
Coming out to the parents is always a tough one. Unless you have been blessed with super cool and super progressive parents, it is going to be a very difficult choice and one that you're going to probably take sooner or later. But if you are like most of us, it'll probably be later, and the later the better. After all, if you grew up in a homophobic environment, why even bother and rock the boat right? Well, that is a touchy subject. Again, it all depends on the situation. Generalizing here would be dangerous. But many of us have been there and braved it through. Not necessarily with the best outcome. But you know what they say: "If it's not all well in the end, then it is not the end."
It's best to do it gradually.. I introduced my parents to my ex-girlfrien within a week of dating her. It wasn't a good idea. Make sure you like her before you expect them to.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that subject. It is not an easy one and certainly one that we tend to put in the back burner as much as possible. After all, most of us grew up (at least from my generation) hearing from our parents and elders how "all homosexuality-related behaviors are bad". I know I did. So, I can understand the struggle. And then the basic question is: "Should we even bother telling our parents?" And that answer only depends on each one of us, our situation and our parents themselves. There is no doubt that we have to take cues from their behavior as predictors of their possible acceptance. There is the factor of trying to avoid grief and that's understandable, but also at the same time, we do wish differently. After all, wouldn't it be nice to be able to bring your girl to the next Thanksgiving Dinner and let her be as accepted as a boyfriend would have been? We have to pay very close attention to those cues before sharing such an intimate and personal choice.
In my experience, it was a huge mistake. You are right. I should have done it gradually. Instead I told my mother right off, as a result of a stupid drunken dare with my own sibling. I was in my early twenties back then. She cried for days, literally. And soon after that, she aged quickly. Her hair turned white in a matter of months. I felt terrible. So, you are right. It's better to wait. I was told she already knew and was just waiting for me to tell her. So, never assume your parents know.
The other factor to keep in mind, and that you bring up, is also to make sure that if we introduce them to that special girl, that it is indeed someone who's going to be around. Excellent point, which again, stresses the importance of waiting.
So, there is no easy way. Only each one of us know our parents well enough to "feel" when it is the right time. Lesson for me. If I could do it again, I wouldn't have told her. Period. But again, that is because my parent is from abroad, very catholic and very conservative in her ways. Now I know better. But at the same time there are the wonderful stories of other parents, who are older than my own, who have the same catholic background, who are so loving and accepting of their kids and their partners. I tell those friends with those parents how lucky they are. So, there isn't one answer or one rule as far as how to share with our parents about who we are choosing as partners.
There is even a school of thought that says it is none of their business. As long as we are independent, self sufficient adults, who live away from them, they don't have to know. But then again, it is different with every situation. We just have to be attuned to their attitudes and deeply ingrained beliefs. After all, we probably inherited that. Perhaps that is why my coming out process was very tough and painful. So, maybe our level of self acceptance could be a cue. How bad is our own homophobia? Perhaps it has to do with the subtle or strong messages we learned as children. And that may just be a result of our own parents' beliefs. So, don't expect that to change overnight.
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