So you are curious....
Oh yeah. That's how most of us begin this path. Straight but curious. A bit surprised at our own inquisitive feelings, but there we are, looking to find out more. So, I just want to start off by saying that being curious about being with another woman does NOT make you necessarily gay. So, don't stress trying to label yourself.
Should it really matter whether you are gay or bi or straight? Talk about labels!! You are a human being first of all, with feelings, intellect and a curious one by nature. And to quote the writers who thought-up the nice line for the handsome Shane from the L-Word, "sexuality is fluid". At times we tend to fall for the person, not necessarily the gender. It happens. It is NORMAL. To be curious is normal. Just make sure that you are in the right place in your life to explore this curiousity. Make sure you are not in a place where it can cause major turmoil in your life, break your heart or break other people's. And if you are, and you still feel the need to pursue this, I would encourage you to seek a professional counselor who could guide you. Bottom line, you need to be a happy and fulfilled woman, even if your path there is a difficult one.
So I hope this is the initial place on line where you can find answers to your many questions. I have set up various sections covering the most popular topics. Feel free to post what you know, share what you know or post a question and I'll be happy to answer. If you'd like to keep it private, just ask that I do not publish your question and I will reply to you privately via whatever e-mail you submit. I will respect your request.
So, perhaps there is an interesting connection you're feeling with another woman. She may be attractive, to you, to others, perhaps only to you. But there's something there. What does it mean? Perhaps you are just plain curious and want to know what's next. Share your situation here and I'll be happy to chime in my 2 cents. Or feel free to post some tips for others. So, welcome! Kick back your heels and stay a while.
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I am a bi woman for over for years and I am sometimes conflicted. I never dated a woman but have had sexual exp. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way- or wants go go on a date w me?
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Welcome! I am sure you'll find other women in the same situation as yourself, here. Going on a date is a good way to begin exploring this interesting path further, and perhaps get to clarify some of your inner questions. Good luck! Keep us posted.
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My apologies for not having replied previously, in more detail, as your question deserved. This morning I had sometime and as I've been watching the site visit statistics within the first half day this blog has been up, it sounds like you're in the right place. The majority of people are looking a this section, the Curious section. I am hoping that as this blog grows, this will be the place for you to find some of the answers to your questions, and even a date or two. Though the intention of my blog is not to be a site for meeting people, if it has that added benefit, all the better. Though, I would also like to encourage you to visit Craigs List in the meantime.
Regarding your situation, I am curious to know what conflicts you. Is it how you feel about your desires versus your current situation, or how you are viewed by your family, friends and coworkers? Or is there something else that's causing this conflict? I find it for the most part that when you're in the straight life, and you begin to consider women as potential partners (physically, emotionally, romantically) it can be very scary because of all the misconceptions to begin with. And then, the whole lifestyle issue. Some aspect of your life would have to change. But if I were you, I'd take it one step at a time. After all, you've already been with women. So, by going on a date, you're probably looking for more. Right?
Mimi
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Hi, wanted to share that I've been thinking about having sexual experiences with other women since I was 16 (I'm 31 now) and have never had the courage to actually pursue hooking up with anyone until now. I've always liked watching lesbian porn to get myself off and when I masturbate, I almost always think of women to excite myself and bring myself to climax. However, I have only had boyfriends, mostly long-term ones too. I never shared with them my fantasies about being with women. During sex with men, I usually don't think about women to climax, I'm pretty present, but once in a great while I have. My last worst relationship ended about a year and a half ago and since then I haven't met any men that I've felt wild about (mostly frustration and disappointment) and I have allowed myself to go on craigslist and put a bi-curious ad on there. Got some responses that were not what I was looking for but did meet one woman that I ended up being really attracted to, hanging out in some bars with and being affectionate with (light caresses and touching, no kissing or hot and heavy stuff). If anything, I was ready to totally take things physically further with this person, but it turns out that she wasn't and also had a lot of secrets (turns out she was married and lord knows what else, she was pretty secretive which I never liked, but decided to give her a chance b/c she seemed very cool). In any case, she stopped contacting me b/c I think she was freaked out about how much she said she liked me. Or who knows. In any case, I haven't been out to any girl bars since then, I feel pretty self-conscious going by myself. I am VERY femme and only interested in other women who are femme. Went to Starlight a few months ago with Ms. I've Got a Secret for the first time and was surprised to find so many women there did not seem to care much about dressing up to look good/pretty/no makeup/etc. Even felt that I got some dirty looks by some butchy/femme girls b/c I was girly looking??? I am also very physically attractive--I've modeled professionally for commercial print ads and get hit on by men all of the time for my looks. My questions are: Does it sound like I could be bi or am I just curious? What is the best way for me to connect with other quality femme women who are bi or bi-curious without feeling so exposed and scared of rejection? I don't really know how to hit on a woman with finesse. And finally, if there is a woman that I am friends with that I like who is bi and has a live-in boyfriend, how can I propose to her us being more than platonic friends w/o making her uncomfortable? Any feedback would be appreciated.
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I have no doubt that your situation will resonate with many other women. It has been my experience that most women I know, who label themselves straight, have thought about being with another woman, at some point in their lives. Two women together, is a beautifully erotic and enticing thing to many people. And the way you feel is more normal than you think. In your situation, it sounds like your desire and curiosity are strong enough to get you to take action. Having gone on CraigsList is a first and courageous step and I commend you. What's more, I commend you for being in touch with your feelings, acknowledging them and having the courage to explore this aspect of yourself. What I would strongly discourage you from doing is labeling yourself. I really believe that labels box people into situations that may not fit them correctly. So, as you pursue this new journey into yourself, you must remain true to your feelings, no matter how scary, intense and strong they may seem to you.
The fact that you haven't told any of your boyfriends in the past, about these feelings, also says you're wise and cautious. There are many dynamics that arise whenever a boyfriend is involved in a woman's search for another woman. Though I've been unwillingly involved in triangles in my life, I have never been a fan of them. For there is always someone that gets left out. I truly believe that the physical sharing of two bodies, when there is that total connection, should be one on one. If it's for sport sex, that's another story. But you know what I'm talking about here. And I always fear that when a woman involves a man in her first experience is for a couple of reasons: one is to please him mainly. They are curious but they are mainly doing it for them and once they are in the midst of the experience, they don't give themselves into it because they know he's watching. The other reason is that they want this for themselves but invite their boyfriends to have the assurance that they are still straight. And most men don't mind being invited along. My fear for women in this second situation is that as their boyfriends are watching, or participating, they are finding out how much they are enjoying being with a woman but they know their boyfriends are watching so they tend to hold back. And I believe that such discovery should be made one-on-one and not in a three-some. That whole threesome thing is very dangerout territory. So, I commend you for staying away from that. For it sounds like your quest is one you are doing for yourself, not for someone else. And that is the first healthy step.
It is obvious that you've experienced men, and because of who you are, you owe it to yourself now to explore being with women. I have no doubt that once you have been with both, you'll feel more attuned with what truly satisfies you. Most men who may hear about your situation would have no problem labeling you or saying you just haven't been made love to the right way, (to use kinder terms) but you and I know that it isn't about that. So, I want you to feel comfortable with this new venture you're undertaking. Look at it as that, as an exploration into a new undiscovered land within yourself. Of course, it's going to involve other people, and here's where I have to remind you that in order to find your princess (or right woman to share yourself with) you will "kiss a lot of frogs" who, no matter how pretty, they will dissappoint you. Very much the same as the straight experience, right? And since we are women, everything is just going to be that much more intense, in every aspect. It sounds like Ms. Secrets is one of these "frogs" in your life. She obviously has her own path to follow and it's just not going to be along yours. So, move on to the next person. There are many, many women out there in your situation who wouldn't mind sharing with you. Just keep on searching and do not give up. You just need to arm yourself with courage, make sure there is someone in your life whom you trust, someone who has their best interest in you and who is open minded to listen and guide you without trying to manipulate you or make you feel guilty about this new quest of yours. I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist because they are the most qualified and can remain truly neutral in your life. I know I went to one when I first came out and she was indeed therapeutic as I meandered down what seemed a very scary, dark and lonely road to me. Though it was for a short time, my therapist became my solid rock in the midst of all the turbulence. So I highly recommend that you find yourself your rock.
Now, I also want to address the kind of women you are searching for. Yes, there are masculine women out there and they are desired by other women as well, so, good for them. I am sorry to hear you got apparently unwelcome looks from some people at some of these bars. Honestly, a beautiful, attractive femme that walks into a bar full of masculine women, is NOT going to get dirty looks. Are you kidding? They were probably desiring you! The whole competitive thing happens only between women in a straight social setting. They may have been looking at you as the novelty of the bar! Believe me when I tell you, I don't think they were dirty looks. Masculine women tend to prefer, like you, feminine women. But for you to find women like yourself, I would like to invite you to check out the bars in my listing in this blog, in the section Girl's Night Out. Many very feminine women I know, attend those places and events. In fact, the three bars that I list, you should have no problem walking in by yourself. Plus there is even a listing for bisexual women on Friday night. So, it may be worthwhile to you to check it out, even if you go by yourself at first. Just make it a point to walk in there and make friends, buddies you can hang out with. Don't even think about meeting another woman. Just try to make new friends, just like you would at work or at a straight bar. After that, you never know. And don't worry about being self conscious. We all walk in self-conscious at first. All of us. No exception, until we make friends. But in the meantime, you can always count on the bartender. Get to know the bartenders and take good care of them and they'll look out for you, give you the scoop, even dispense some wise advice when the time allows.
So, to answer your final questions, in regards to whether you are bi or bi-curious, you know what my answer is on that. Don't worry about labeling yourself. Let me ask you. If I go and label you as one or the other, is that going to keep you from doing what you need to do? Only you know that answer. Remember. First and foremost you are a woman, strong enough and willing to explore a new side of yourself. And you should celebrate that. So, throw away any labels. And if anyone asks you what you are, say you are who you are, your name, the person, the woman. That is what Coco Chanel, Madonna and Angelina have said! Who you choose to share yourself with, in bed, and in heart, is second and should not frame your behavior, and it is after all, no one's business but your own. Just be you. Pursue this new path and see where it takes you.
As far as the best way to connect with quality femme women, like yourself, there is no one way or one easy way. Craigs List is a good choice, despite some of the very scary posts there. I am hoping that as this blog grows this can become a safe online community for women like yourself to find a refuge to begin to meet and explore. Find a buddy and walk into the bars I told you about. Make it a point to make friends, hang out buddies first. They'll introduce you to people, you can go to parties together. That is what I would encourage you to do. Meeting people online right off the bat for, dating purposes, in my opinion, is NOT a good idea, unless you are looking for a quick hook up and you don't care about diseases and potentially dangerous unforeseen situations. Make friends first. Everything will follow. I can promise you that. And make sure to make a lot of friends and acquaintances so that if one begins to act flaky on you, you have others to turn to. It is good to develop a wide network. It is healthy. That way you don't get stuck with one person and taken in their emotional ride, which is not healthy.
I like this one. How do you hit a woman with finesse. Mmm......That's a good one and I'm smiling for now I'm going to share with you what you already know. Think back to the most chivalrous way in which you have been courted or initially approached. The beauty of being a woman who courts women is that we know what we like, for the most part. Of course there is no guarantee that you'll find an oddball somewhere. That's also normal. So, what I do when I see a woman I like and I'm at a club or bar, I usually ask the bartender or cocktail waitress to send her a drink on my behalf. Of course I do this after I've made some eye contact --however brief-- that gives me the hint that she may have noticed me too. Usually that works because if the woman has any manners, she will come over and thank you, and you take it from there. If she does not come over to thank you, forget her. Look at it as an inexpensive way to eliminate a potential relationship with a selfish person. Of course, always ask the bartender or cocktail waitress first whether they are there with someone. You don't want to be disrespectful. Now, if you rather not involve the cocktail factor, there's always the bathroom line. That's a good place where I've met women. Just as you stand on line, begin a conversation and see where it takes you. Another option is, if you want to be romantic, you could always send her a note across the bar or dance floor. Say something special you noticed about them. But please keep in mind, that if you choose to pursue women, you --just like men have throughout the ages-- will be exposed to rejection. There is always a small amount of rejection. So, you need to know that and be mentally prepared for an option B. Always have an option B. And believe me, you won't be alone in this. Which is why I encourage us all to always look our best, from inside out, to look together and sharp. Very rarely you will get turned down when you look that good. I know it sounds shallow but unfortunately it is a fact. It has been at least my experience. Hey, as long as it works.
And to address your last question. That bi friend of yours, sounds like a potentially sticky situation. For one, she has a boyfriend. And you know how I feel about triangles. You'll be playing with fire. But if you really like her, ask yourself if there is a mutual chemistry between the two of you? If there is, invite her to an informal, lunch, coffee, a drink or two, etc. I am going to assume she doesn't know about you. So, start talking about a couple of good bisexual theme films such as Henry and June ( I highly recommend you see it if you haven't) or the Hunger (with Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon and David Bowie). So ask for her opinion on the lifestyle. Does she enjoy it? What does she enjoy about other women? Get her talking about it. Feel the trust level, see if you can take it to the next. Tell her about the events happening next weekend, Gay Pride weekend. There are some good parties going on. Ask her if she'd be curious to attend with you. That's of course depending on your comfort level with her. If you don't feel it, then don't. There are plenty of other women out there. And here is the good advice I have rarely followed myself but paid dearly later, so it's up to you. If she is your friend and has a boyfriend, are you willing to risk a messy situation down the road? Sometimes it is better to stay away from potentially messy situations. It's better for your heart and mind. There are plenty of beautiful feminine women out there and I hope to provide the place where you and women like yourself can converge and meet safely. Though I cannot guarantee that you won't experience the turbulence and at times the heartbreak. It all comes with the territory. and it's all part of the wonderful human experience. It's a matter of staying true to yourself, to who you are and what makes you happy. I just hope to provide a place where you can come and express and share with others.
In the meantime, I am going to wish you the very best finding that special someone. I just hope you enjoy the road getting there. Remember what I said. No labels. Make friends first. Build a network of women friends in your situation. Stay honest with yourself and be strong. Find your rock. For you are likely to experience turbulence along the way, small in comparison to the wonderful set of emotions that can be released when you truly share yourself with another woman. Good luck and keep me posted. I'd love to hear how it goes.
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Thank you for taking the time to write such a caring and thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. I will keep you posted on my process as it unfolds.
Best,
MV
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hello . i am hoping that u can help me out. i have been curious for a long time , but was very scared to act against it. i thought that if i decided to be intimate w/a women , i was officially gay . but as i got older and wiser i realized there was such thing as bi. however , i am now married and my curiosity has reached it's boiling point. i don't now what to do . i have replied and posted ads on craigslist, but nothing has come of it. i have never even kissed a girl. the curiosity is really killing me . i catch myself looking at girls and fantasizing about them . i feel like i want to act on my feeling but then again , i am married and my husband would neve accept it. what do i do ?
pleas help me!
thank u .
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I can fully understand your plight and I have to tell you that you are not in an enviable spot. I wish I could tell you go for it, but as much as I am a champion of women exploring their inner desires -- in regards to who they are and who they want to be with-- I cannot encourage you, in your case to seek it out, unless you are ready to face the possible long term and life-changing consequences. Because in your situation, being with a woman is going to make things very, very complicated for you. I understand that you are at a boiling point. And I totally feel your pain. So, let's analyze the situation together.
You are in a marriage, committed to a man who will not support this aspect of yourself. Let's say you go ahead and pursue this, behind his back. Let's say you find a woman to be with. Let's look at the possible outcomes. The first, being perhaps your curiosity, once satisfied, you will decide to stay with your husband and life goes on for you. During the time of the affair (because I doubt you will be with a woman just one time), there are potential problems, those that come from having someone outside the marriage. But let's say you manage and then decide you want to stay in the marriage and return to your life the way it was before. That is a very possible option. I have seen it happen. The outcome there would be probably the broken heart of the other woman (plus very likely your own), coupled with the fact that now you have cheated on your husband. And that is something we cannot ignore. And one thing you'll learn about me, is that as much as I encourage women to pursue this curiosity, I do not feel comfortable encouraging anyone to cheat. It doesn't matter if you are married to a man and sleep with a woman --which some people say it doesn't count--it is still sleeping with someone other than the person you are committed to. And there are so many very personal dynamics that surround that situation that I can't even begin to address here, but you can only imagine. Besides, as a woman, you would agree that we women don't take loyalty lightly. How will the woman you get involved with feel about you going back to your husband every night? How would you? Chances are that feelings will develop. And there is a third person, your husband, who is not likely to be understanding. It can be a messy situation. You'd be playing with fire.
The second possible outcome is that you are so blown away by the situation that it will change your life. Then you and this woman would probably want to pursue this on the long term. And then what happens to your marriage? You need to consider the fact that divorce could be an outcome of this exploration, especially given that you have been curious for a long time. If you read yesterday's article where I quote the Merck Manual, 33% of gay women marry. What if you end up enjoying the experience of women and you decide that it IS what you truly want? You could be one of the 33%! So, if this scenario plays out, your husband will very likely find out, and there goes your marriage. You may want to think about where it ranks in your life priorities versus your own personal fulfillment, and you need to be prepared for this likely possibility. The other option, --and what I think you'll perceive as a less desirable situation-- is that if you truly want to protect your marriage, that you remain where you are, without pursuing your curiosity, which sounds like a very difficult choice, more like a major sacrifice, since you have these very strong desires, but here I would encourage you to seek therapy to work it out. Actually, since your situation is very complex and there are a few life-changing factors at stake, I would like to encourage you to seek a therapist, regardless, so that you can sort out these issues in your life. It sounds to me like there are more issues in your current life than just the woman curiosity/bi/gay issue. That is what I would do if I were in your shoes. You have probably thought all this out. You probably have not. But we need to look honestly at the most possible outcomes.
The challenge of finding the right woman right now will be dwarfed in comparison to the challenges you'll face AFTER you do that. The unfortunate situation is that you are going to face difficulties all along and you need to ask yourself if it is worth it. Once you make a decision, and if you're willing to face the possible consequences, then keep searching in Craig's List. Someone is bound to find you. It's so unfortunate that there are so many women in your shoes. Just make sure to have someone in your life in whom you can confide and who can give you the best neutral advice without trying to manipulate you to their way of thinking.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the very best in sorting things out and I do hope for the best outcome. I do wish you were in a different situation. In the end, I may not be the best person to help you on this because the few times that I was with a man, and yet I was desiring women, I left them soon-after in order to pursue my true desire. Plus I never married a man either. So it sounds like this one may have been beyond my scope of experience. Plus, don't forget that my advice is only based on what I know. So if in anyway, my response does not provide you with the desired outcome, please forgive me. But if there is one thing you can get from this comment here is, do yourself a favor and find a therapist to assist you. It will be in your best interest. I would like to see you a happy, fullfilled woman, in whatever situation you end up down the road. But before you get there, it sounds like you have a tough path ahead and you need to find your "rock" of support. And I'll tell you, it has to be a professional. Please keep me posted and if there is anything else I could do to help, feel free to post back. Best of luck in your journey. Feel free to stop back at anytime you'd like open and honest feedback. I care about your fulfillment as a woman. You will be in my thoughts.
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Hi Ladies:::courious freshee on the block here. O.K. I will have to admit Im 50...I have always had a desire to be with another woman..but, unfortunatly I have NEVER had the oportunity to. I feel as though time is flying by too quickly and I do not want to miss out on a one on one experience with a woman. It warms me to think about being with a woman. HOW DO I go about having an encounter descretly? How do I go about meeting another woman without making a fool out of myself.
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Soon to come... I'll be setting up a chat program for all women to come to this site and meet and ask each other questions and get to know each other better in a safe girl-run environment. So, check in within the next few weeks. Thanks for visiting.
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