FAQs – Breaking Myths

This section has been developed to address those myths that the average straight population believe to be true about women-oriented-women. Though I find some a bit funny, or even sad, they will be listed here because they need to be addressed and dispelled.

Photo credit: Henry and June, the movie

1.

Q. I am normally a straight girl but I can’t stop thinking about this woman I know. She’s a friend of mine. I’m incredibly attracted to her and I am wondering if this means I’m gay.

A. From my own therapy sessions when I was first coming out, my therapists all told me that no, an initial attraction to your female friend does not make you gay. I was told that it is normal, that it happens to every woman at one point or another in their life. Of course, back to my present thinking, if sexuality is fluid, and as per the Kinsey Sex studies, (see the section in this Blog called “What the Experts Say”) no one is absolutely straight or gay 100% of the time, then it is pretty much up to you what you want to do about that attraction. Do you want to explore it? Or you are making a conscious choice to walk away from it and probably down the road wonder what if? Ultimately, it is your call. It does not necessarily make you anything out of the norm. My question back to you would be, what in your perception is a gay woman?

2.

Q. As a straight girl, I find myself looking at pictures of actresses, especially Angelina Jolie and I fantasize what it would be like to be with her. Does that mean I’m gay?

A. L.O.L. Cute, but no sweetheart. Just about every woman I know (straight, bi or gay or whatever other label they choose for themselves) admits to the Angelina (or other) fantasy. Look, she’s hot, she’s bad, she’s free to be who she is. Hey, it happens. We fall for beauty, power and all that. Normal stuff. Read the answer to question 1 for more thoughts on that.

3.

Q. I recently had an experience with another woman and it was incredible. I enjoyed it so much that I think I’m going to start dating more women, I think that’s what I want. Does this mean that I have to cut my hair short and dress masculine?

A. That is another myth that I faced when I first came out to myself. And the answer is No. You don’t have to change your appearance or the way you are in order to date other women. Just continue being whoever you have been all this time. Now, if you happen to choose to cut your hair and look more masculine because you feel more comfortable that way, sure, that is your own personal option. Who we sleep with should not define the rest of our lives. Nor would you want to. That’s as close-minded as the people on the other side of the spectrum. But then again, there are extremists for every opinion.

4.

Q. I am so tired of men and their bullshit, their lies and games that I think I’m just going to start dating women. It should be easier. After all, I’m a woman too and I can understand what we women want. I’m done with men!

A. If you think men are tough, that they have bullshit, that they lie and play games, and that is your reason to date women, I’d say good luck to you. You will find the BS, the lies and the games in both sexes. So, if that is the reason to date women, forget it darling. You will find yourself more frustrated. What’s more, as a woman who dates women and has formerly dated men, I find men are easier to date. We women are a lot more complicated and things are 100 times more intense, in good and bad aspects. So, don’t fool yourself thinking that dating women is easier than dating men. Actually, it is not and it is not for the faint hearted. Just ask your average straight man. He’ll tell you. But then again, it is not fair to generalize. Think about finding the right partner in whichever way he or she may come. If you’re open to that option, the right person will walk into your life, male or female.

5.

Q. What do women do in bed when together? And what I see in the porn flicks, is that for real?

A. Well, that’s a complicated question but a good one. For sex between two women can be as enjoyable as sex between a man and a woman. Of course, it is easy to figure out what happens between a man and a woman in bed. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. But if you have been a straight woman, you will find that at times people think that intercourse is all that happens in straight sex. And many will agree that straight sex is more than that. If that is all there is, good luck holding on that relationship. Same with women to women. Most people have seen in the porno flicks a woman going down on the other or using toys. But then again, sex between two women is a lot more than just that. What’s more, what you see in the porno flicks is pretty far from what actually happens. What you see in those movies is with commercial purposes, to turn men on, for the most part and it presents the most commonly believed myths. I’ll tell you one thing. When two women make love, there are many more things that happen physically that do not necessarily involve going down on each other or inserting toys on each other. For example, mutual masturbation, the 69 position, grinding where each other's clits touch, etc.

For more details (and know how) on what you could do with another woman, I’d say check out Babeland.com which is a great website run by women, where they give great sex advice and tips for both men and women. I will refer you to the experts on those details. Bottom line, after having been with both sexes, I personally find being with a woman a lot more fulfilling than being with a man. But I believe that is more of a personal choice than a fact. Each one of us has a way to connect to another human being and despite all the society rules, once you connect and develop that intimacy with that other human being, all else goes out the window, color, type and even gender. Once you do that, you’ll find multiple ways to pleasure each other.

6.

Q. Is it true that if you walk into a Lesbian Bar, women will immediately be all over you?

A. As ridiculous as that question may sound, there are many women out there who initially believe that. I’ll never forget the first time I asked one of my straight college dorm buddies to accompany me to the Cubby Hole. She told me that the moment I’d walk in, women would "throw their tongues out at you and be all over you". I almost wanted to laugh, having already been there once before. Those of you who have gone will actually agree that most women can be shy. At a woman’s bar you are actually left alone by people, no one bothers you, unless you bother to talk to the women around you. For the most part, I find women’s bars as a place to bond with other women-oriented-women. It’s more like an all-girls club where the whole “competitive straight” mentality goes out the window. You’re accepted just the way you are and you don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to. It is a good place to meet women like-minded.

7.

Q. I have heard that women who have sex with other women are unlikely to catch Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Is that true?

A. Now, that is another myth. Sure, women who have sex with other women CAN transmit diseases to each other, especially when sharing body fluids. Though I don’t consider myself an expert in the subject, think about the whole microbiology thing. We each carry our own microbial flora, composed of good and bad microbes. Sometimes these bad ones are really bad and when having oral sex for example, or when grinding against each other’s clits, you can come in contact with each other’s microbial flora. For the most part, if your immune system is good, you should be fine. But if the woman you’re sharing yourself with, carries something serious such as a virus like herpes, or HIV, you’re entering dangerous territory. Which is why I strongly advise against having sexual encounters with people you just met. Of course, lust is going to get in the way of that safety.

So, if you must do it, take some precautions. Ask questions. And set some rules for yourself. For example. I don’t go down on someone right away. You need to learn about their habits, their hygiene, their sexual history and overall health manifestations. There are other safe sex techniques you can practice though, such as fingering each other to orgasm, or rubbing against each other in some less intimate area. The urge to go all the way will be there. Be a pleasure delayer. It's that much more intense and exciting afterall. So, make sure to assess your risks and think about the days, or months, or years after. For more information on how to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases, check out this great website, developed for women who have sex with other women. It explores solely the likelihood of transmitting diseases. I will be covering more on this topic later on. However, for now, you can click on the link below: http://depts.washington.edu/wswstd/info_frame.htm

8.

Q. Lesbians are generally ugly, masculine and obnoxious men haters and total rejects. Is that true?

A. As painful as it was for me to type this, it is an unfortunate fact that a great percentage of the world population feels this way. Thus making the experience of being with another woman, for any woman, a pleasurable and at the same time a traumatic experience filled with guilt and anxiety.  I don’t know how this whole misconception started but it truly is a misconception. As per studies, conducted by experts in the field of psychology and sexuality, it is believed that about 10% of the population is gay. As per the famous Kinsey studies, no one is 100% gay or straight 100% of the time. I believe that sexuality is a fluid thing and that we as human beings should be open to all kinds of experiences. So, I would dare to say that more than 10% of the population has had same-sex experiences while living “straight” lifestyles. Studies show that about 33% of married women are actually gay. (See my article on What the Experts Say, citing the Merck Manual, 16^th edition).  Most women-oriented-women are NOT your stereotypical types. We actually, for the most part, look straight and for the most part have many wonderful male friends, and not necessarily gay. What’s more important, we’re not man-haters. Are you kidding? In fact, as a woman-oriented-woman I find myself having more respect for straight men because I can understand their experience dating women. Women who date other women tend to develop a bond with straight men because they have that in common. Of course that’s not to say that some people will get a little competitive, but that is more of a circumstancial thing that would easily occur between any two people.

Where I think the “man-hater” thing comes from, is from the fact that we are not as deferential to men the way many straight women tend to be. Therefore, we are more inclined to voice our disagreement, because we see men as our equals, just like two men would. It is sort of a strength. And that strength comes from knowing who you are and not fearing a man’s disapproval. Men do that with each other all the time and they take it from each other. I think the real issue is when they are challenged by an outspoken woman, who worse off, happens to be right! So, at times some men with fragile egos will take it the wrong way, as an attack, and easily may dismiss it as a man-hating lesbian thing. But it isn’t. In fact, there are many wonderful straight women who are also outspoken and will also not fear dissenting with men, especially in business. These straight women have developed that inner strength and self-image, and are unfortunately dismissed the same way. Of course, you’re going to encounter your extremist man-hating lesbian once in a while, just like you’d encounter your straight homophobe that kills any gay person just because. There are extremists for every opinion. But as you know well, the extremists are that, out in the periphery and they do not represent the general population’s sentiment. So, the majority of women who date other women, are not man-haters, just like the majority of straight men are not women haters.

9.

Q. Lesbians look to recruit women, convert them and corrupt them. So, I have been told to stay away from them and not even befriend them. How true is that?

A. Look around you and your circle of friends, acquaintances and family. Chances are that someone close to you, in that circle, is gay or bisexual or having an experience with a same sex partner. However, if you have expressed thinking like that, chances are you’ll never know and you’ll continue being friends and interacting with this person. Chances are you are already interacting with a few women in this lifestyle who you would have no idea about. And they’ll never tell you because they don’t have to, nor are they looking to "recruit", to "convert" anyone or “corrupt” anyone. Chances are they know your thinking on the subject and are not looking to change your mind. So, it is NOT true that “lesbians” are looking to “recruit, convert and corrupt”. That is a separatist myth probably started by hate mongers who are insecure about their own sexuality. There is no typical “lesbian”, so chances are you are already interacting with someone who’s gay or bi or leading a different lifestyle and a double life. And in many cases, it could even be a close friend who wouldn’t dare to tell you. So, think about it. Just like you, as a straight or bi or whatever person you label yourself, you are NOT looking to “recruit or convert” anyone into your lifestyle, the same way, women-oriented-women are just happy to be left alone, respected and allowed to be. The world is complicated enough for many women-oriented-women who lead a double life for them to try to “recruit or convert” anyone. That whole “recruiting/converting” concept comes from the Amway, or religious recruiters' mentality. They apply what they know to what they don’t understand. Talk about close-mindedness and poor understanding of human nature.

Okay, that is all for now. More to come.

As I encounter more questions along my travels, I'll make sure to post them here. I hope you found these helpful. Of course, you can always post a question. Since each posting is monitored by me, you can request that it stays private or not. Or you can write to me directly at: mimi@askthenycgirl.com