From friendship to romance.

This is a hot, hot topic. No doubt. And one as dangerous as quicksand. God only knows this NYC Girl has been through it –and more than once—enough to consider myself knowledgeable enough to discuss the subject and pass on some advice.

Here’s my disclaimer though. The below stated is only my opinion, solely based on my own experience, as well as that shared by other women friends in similar situations. Therefore, if you find yourself disagreeing, please feel free to voice your opinion. Many and different points of view are always welcome. It adds dimension to this ever-growing community.

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So you and your friend decide to cross the line. For whatever reason, chemistry, curiosity, attraction, perhaps a mental connection, along with some other elements that suddenly take you to the land of the lovers, where romance is the fog that keeps you walking, hopefully holding hands, hoping you don’t fall into the bottomless pit of heartbreak, loneliness and loss.

As friends, things were so clear. No fog of romance. Oh so sunny and blue skies. Everything was said, cleared up, discussed, openly. No fears of any kind. You were yourselves. It was fun like that.

But now everything is becoming a guessing game. The relationship has shifted into a more complex level. Who calls who? Is the usual dinner and movie now a date? The emails and text messages are getting hotter but you're nervous now, when in front of each other.

Why oh why does it have to be this complicated??? You ask yourself.

In my opinion, there are ways that this situation can work out, just like there are sure ways to kill the romance and even the friendship.

So my dear reader, if you’re considering on crossing that line with your good friend, you need to weigh a few things before taking that step into the land of the fog of romance. For there is no going back. For things will never be the same, even if you decide to become “friends” again.

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A couple of things to consider. Make sure you know your ‘friend” well enough to know she can correspond to your level of intensity or of insanity. You don’t want to be stuck in cloud 9 all by yourself or let her hang out by herself either. Couple of examples: 1. You’re expressing your feelings, whether verbally or in writing, and she does not acknowledge them. She either changes the subject or replies with something totally unrelated, as if nothing was ever said. Ask yourself how would you feel if that were the situation. Or 2. For example, you send flowers for a special moment and she takes a couple of days to say thanks, I got them. In the meantime, you’re hanging on a string, waiting to hear. And later when you even bring that up, she gives you an excuse, that you find out later was a bad lie. Again, ask yourself how would you feel. For these are real-life examples, sorry to say, and huge signs of fear of intimacy. 
 

So, make sure your friend doesn’t suffer from this terrible ailment. Or could even perhaps be that you are the one suffering from the infamous “Fear of Intimacy” disease. But we’ll address that subject in a future article. So, hang in there for the rest of this one.

The real thing, that fulfilling and satisfying relationship we all dream about is NOT about guessing games. Trust me, I've been there. It is about being in the same level, about corresponding to each other on equal footing. In the previously listed examples, there are obvious inequalities of sentiment, of depth, of behavior. There are hints of game playing and guessing. And you need to ask yourself, is this what I want from a romantic partner? Despite of what she says, if her behavior does not match her words, stay away!

If you’re the one that would expect the object of your affection to call you the night she gets the flowers, or at least send a text message letting you know so. If you’re the one who’d expect to get a reply about your open expression of what’s in your heart, and would be terribly disappointed if this “friend” of yours is not capable of at least acknowledging that, then do NOT cross the line, for you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment. Remain friends instead. And if you can’t do that, then distance yourself.

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Now, there are other instances when the friendship-into-romance deal has been just the right match. And that is when the object of your affection responds in kind, every time. The excuse of not having time or being tired does not exist, because she'll make the time, no matter how tired or busy. She is sensitive to your feelings, just like you are sensitive to hers. You are at the same level. You see eye-to-eye on those important aspects of communication between two hearts. She always, and always checks with you –-just like you check with her— on where the two of you are, heart-wise, mentally and with each other, even through the difficult transition of friendship into romance. When those things happen, that’s the right match.

You’ll know it in your heart. There is no guessing. There are no games. There’s no waiting around for a response that takes days. That’s when it works. She’s the one who is at the same depth of intensity (or insanity) as you. She’s the one that when you send a loving text message, responds right away. She does not take hours or days. She lets you know when she’s going to sign off so you won’t be sitting around waiting expecting a reply. She shows total consideration and is sensitive of your feelings. For, if you feel at any point that you’re being shortchanged, you are. She’s not The One. So, walk away, no matter what is going on with your heart.

Face it my friends, deep inside our hearts, we are all very vulnerable. No matter how tough, how cool, calm and collected we may claim to be. We’re all human. Some of us more intense than others. But regardless of depth of feeling or intensity, we feel. Period. And when not corresponded-in-kind you can’t help but feel the disappointment in your solar plexus.

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So, when being tempted by the possibility of heading into that new direction with your “friend”, make sure you choose well. For the intensity between two women can be of nuclear levels. Know that you are likely going to have your heart broken and possibly lose that friend, if it turns out that the two of you are not the right match. If that is the case, and you choose to go ahead anyway, you need to know that life will go on. That you will need to put it to experience. That such was a lesson. You need to know that there will be someone else that will come along, who will help you heal or who will come along once you heal. There will be someone else who will inspire you again and who will make you feel the butterflies again.

If you decide to take the chance anyway, be ready to lose as much as you’re ready to win. It is a gamble. And you need to know in your heart whether she is worth it. For even if you lose, sometimes the feelings, whatever you two shared in that moment of vulnerability, was indeed worth the pain of loss later. That is your silver lining. Be ready to lose and move on.

And if it DOES work out. If she turns out to be your princess, with whom you ease into the land of fog and romance, without guessing games, without disappointments, then consider yourself lucky. Consider yourself blessed. For those relationships, those special women perhaps only come into our lives about once. You’re lucky if it happens more than that.

Falling in love with a friend and becoming the best of lovers is one of the greatest gifts life can offer to us. So, pray for the right person. For it can happen.